Kill My Darling, Thanh Dinh
“You always have a choice. If you follow the order, it’s because you have faith in the system that produces the order, isn’t it?”
Alienation—A Choice or…?
Kill My Darling starts out with the death of a person, but it doesn’t stop at that. So let’s unfold the petals, peel off the layers, and look down the abyss.
The Murder, or Chapter 1, poses as the trigger of the plot. Jean-Paul “Bambi” Raymond, who is beloved by all, was killed by his devoted lover, Angela Carter. If we follow that lead, the book wouldn’t have suffered the fate it is suffering now.
But Kill My Darling didn’t follow. It was born to be, not to have.
In the death of Bambi, there’s a message: what is killed isn’t just a person, it is an identity. The corpse is merely a physical representation of what Jean-Paul has tried so hard over the exiled years to build so he can alienate himself from the life he can’t bear with his true self.
In short, he had carefully orchestrated his ending to release his agonizing existence.
Alienation, then, is the first and foremost theme in the novel. One that, if skimmed through at breakneck speed, can’t be detected because of all the noir elements and the promise of a thrilling chase (spoiler alert: there’s no chase).
The question remains an echo after the book ends: Why did Bambi choose to alienate himself? What was the reason his twin brother chose to isolate his true personality? And what caused Angela to refuse to conform to the role society forces on her?
Why are we trying so hard to fit in, yet, at the same time, detaching ourselves from the narrative of life around us?
The answer is simple: We are surviving, and it is the most primal instinct to protect the core of our existence—the self.
What is Left After Kill My Darling?
Kill My Darling, Thanh Dinh
“But it’s true. We love the victim mindset. See, if you’re the only one hurting, it makes life less miserable. It gives you a free pass. Well, almost. Bullying others? Too bad, she suffered a broken ankle. Too quick to anger? Can’t help it, she got a broken ankle. Can’t choose a fucking dinner option? That’s alright, she just suffered a broken ankle. Angela, being the victim is freedom in itself.”
Hurt. Agony. Pain. A messy lucid dream with tears on glitter, mixed with blood and a lot of broken dreams. That is what is left after Kill My Darling.
The book isn’t meant to solve any problem. It is meant to reach a hand toward anyone who’s been too long down the abyss and guide them toward a ladder. The choice to climb up that ladder depends on the readers.
No character in Kill My Darling has a happy-ever-after ending. Maybe Bambi is the only one who comes closest to it when he gets the ending he chooses for himself. But at what cost? The survivors, Angela and Pierre, whom he thought with fervent wishes would be happier, are now only existing. They live on the strength of the memory fragments they clutches from the darkness about him, about the love they almost had, and the what-ifs they keep telling themselves that somedays, will turn into could-bes.
It’s a non-zero sum. But more than that, Kill My Darling holds a mirror up, using the three characters to let the readers know: Yes, you, too, will survive. Hurt. Agony. Pain. And messy, even. But look at how beautifully you’ve been surviving, and will continue to survive.
Is it psychological? Heavily. Is it a thriller? Less so. What about the murder that you already know the culprit? Not very surprising.
But it will drag you along, hold your hand in the dark, and tell you where the wounds are. Because darling, all of us are guilty as charge, so what do you want for dinner?
Polarizing, But…
Be the judge. You are the only one who can decide how deep the wound goes and how much it is bleeding. Read the book carefully from the foreword to the last page. Peruse between the lines. And you will see, there is a reason it brings disquiet to people, and there is also an addictive bitterness that draws readers to its sparkling prose.
Between to have and to be, choose to be. So, what are you waiting for? Dive in headfirst, the consequences will come much later, and they will be all worth it.